a cross-section of my current (rather frazzled) stream of consciousness... excuse the disconnect

it shouldn't be considered a 'light bulb,' more a 'reminder light bulb' rather than an 'epiphany light bulb'... but i was reminded today about how we as naturally selfish and prideful beings really are so blinded to our indwelling sins because we are so caught up with examining others'...



//i'm not even close to being wise enough to judge the validity of others' perspectives on discrepancies within said doctrine, and a) that makes me feel really stupid and ashamed i don't know more details of theology, but then b) i'm also caused to be really thankful and humbled i am made aware that had i this biblical knowledge, i would most likely act out in pride. not saying those who do have this knowledge would unfailingly use it in such a sinful manner as i, but i know that had i even 50% certainty on some debatable issue (whether correct or not), i'd behave and assert my opinion as if it were the ultimate truth, with no regard and no patience for the another's opinion. and if i were wrong, then subsequently evade admitting defeat & be extremely bitter, treating the other with contempt...

so much pride for such an unwise person; like j. edward's example of the slave who has such a high opinion of himself that he'd boast about his humility in removing the sandal of a king... why is there so much pride and selfishness in us?! do we have to always be right? what does that say about our hearts and our motives that we would provoke one another just so we can prove we are right? would the Lord be more pleased with us because we were correct and won an argument, but tore down others with our harsh words and unmerciful hearts? if we don't get the last word in, does that make us dishonoring to God? does it not defeat the ministry of Christ?

it's so ridiculous how we can be such huge hypocrites. i'm so disgusted by myself. i need to get real: i most definitely will almost always lose a theology debate. i will most always be bitter, regardless of whether i was right or wrong. i will rarely get the last word in. and during the debate i will of course be convincing myself that i am being objective, but truly in my heart i know i just want to rebut and be right about it. this is all in despite of the truth that we should rely not on our own understanding, but seek the Lord and His wisdom. why must i always be so critical of others and search for fault in others? i dont want to be filled with all this pride :(

i'm so worked up my synapses are firing properly anymore... pray that God sorts me out, and fills my burdened heart with His peace and my frazzled mind with His wisdom. may He work a miracle in my heart and mind.. yet again!